ARTICLES WRITTEN BY GAYE
AND THEY (her TEAM)
On my journey of doing a lot of Soul work and discovery, one of the few things that I seem to
come across with people is boundaries. When I look further into this, I began
to realise that almost everyone has boundary issues in all its varied forms –
the rich, the poor, the healthy, the unhealthy, those in power and those who
seeming have an idyllic life – there are always boundaries. Listening to people
and in particularly recently, this seems to be more apparent. So I thought I
would draw more attention to “boundaries”.
can people saying “of course I know about boundaries” but the truth is – do you
really? Do you give it the energy that can empower you and your boundaries. I
feel our awareness with boundaries surfaces from time to time but generally it is
not something we really think about until “it is in our face” in whatever way
it is presented. I know a lot of people are going through “boundary”
What Are Boundaries?
The easiest way to
think about a boundary is a property line. We have all seen “No Trespassing”
signs, which send a clear message that if you violate that boundary, there will
be a consequence. This type of boundary is easy to picture and understand
because you can see the sign and the border it protects. Personal boundaries
can be harder to define because the lines are invisible, can change, and are
unique to each individual.
Personal boundaries, just like the “No Trespassing”
sign, define where you end and others begin and are determined by the amount of
physical and emotional space you allow between yourself and others. Personal
boundaries help you decide what types of communication, behaviour, and
interaction are acceptable.
looking more into “boundaries”, I have discovered some of its forms and want to
share these with you.
may be time to “take stock” of what is occurring in your life and those of the
people you care for. See if you fall into any of the following and can you make
the necessary changes to bring a more balanced and harmonious way of living.
is entirely your choice which path you choose. I am not saying that change is
always easy because it is not but when information is presented to you, why not
evaluate that information and think about it and maybe, be proactive in the
process. It may also be a “light bulb” moment for you. Gaye Piper and THEY
following is information that is readily accessible for all through the
Harriet Lerner’s feelings about boundaries
are; “An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences,
sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and
vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.”
Setting boundaries is
essential if we want to be both physically and emotionally healthy.
boundaries is empowering. By recognizing the need to set and enforce limits,
you protect your self-esteem, maintain self-respect, and enjoy healthy
cause emotional pain that can lead to dependency, depression, anxiety, and even
stress-induced physical illness. A lack of boundaries is like leaving the door
to your home unlocked: anyone, including unwelcome guests, can enter at will.
On the other hand, having too rigid boundaries can lead to isolation, like
living in a locked-up castle surrounded by a mote. No one can get in, and you
can’t get out.
Physical boundaries provide a barrier between you
and an intruding force, like a Band-Aid protects a wound from bacteria.
Physical boundaries include your body, sense of
personal space, sexual orientation, and privacy. These boundaries are expressed
through clothing, shelter, noise tolerance, verbal instruction, and body
An example of physical boundary violation: a close
talker. Your immediate and automatic reaction is to step back in order to reset
your personal space. By doing this, you send a non-verbal message that when
this person stands so close you feel an invasion of your personal space. If the
person continues to move closer, you might verbally protect your boundary by
telling him/her to stop crowding you.
Some more examples of physical boundary invasions
Inappropriate touching, such as
unwanted sexual advances.
Looking through others’ personal
files and emails.
Not allowing others their
personal space. (e.g., barging into your boss’s
office without knocking)
2. Emotional and Intellectual
These boundaries protect your sense of self-esteem
and ability to separate your feelings from others’. When you have weak
emotional boundaries, it’s like getting caught in the midst of a hurricane with
no protection. You expose yourself to being greatly affected by others’ words,
thoughts, and actions and end up feeling bruised, wounded, and battered.
These include beliefs, behaviours, choices, sense
of responsibility, and your ability to be intimate with others.
Examples of emotional and intellectual boundary
Not knowing how to separate your
feelings from your partner’s and allowing his/her mood to dictate your level of
happiness or sadness (a.k.a. co-dependency).
It seems obvious that no one would want his/her
boundaries violated. So why do we allow it? Why do we NOT enforce or uphold our
FEAR of rejection and,
FEAR of confrontation.
Awareness is the first step in
establishing and enforcing your boundaries
Assess the current state of your boundaries, using
the list below:
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES allow you to:
self-esteem and self-respect.
personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting
physical and emotional space from intrusion.
equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared.
assertive. Confidently and truthfully say “yes” or “no” and be okay when others
say “no” to you.
your needs, thoughts, feelings, and desires from others. Recognize that your
boundaries and needs are different from others.
yourself to make healthy choices and take responsibility for yourself.
UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES are characterized by:
too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off
and not expressing your need and wants.
responsible for other’s happiness.
to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment.
sense of your own identity. You base how you feel about yourself on how others
You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless
and do not take responsibility for your own life.
Tips for Setting Healthy
Boundaries - (Modified
from the book, Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, by Anne
identify the need to set a boundary, do it clearly, calmly, firmly,
respectfully, and in as few words as possible. Do not justify, get angry, or
apologize for the boundary you are setting.
not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are
setting. You are only responsible for communicating your boundary in a
respectful manner. If it upset them, know it is their problem. Some people,
especially those accustomed to controlling, abusing, or manipulating you, might
test you. Plan on it, expect it, but remain firm. Remember, your behavior must
match the boundaries you are setting. You cannot successfully establish a clear
boundary if you send mixed messages by apologizing.
you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary.
Do it anyway and tell yourself you have a right to self-care. Setting
boundaries takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety or low
self-esteem prevent you from taking care of yourself.
feel anger or resentment or find yourself whining or complaining, you probably
need to set a boundary. Listen to yourself, determine what you need to do or
say, then communicate assertively.
to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. Set them in your own
time frame, not when someone else tells you.
support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate
toxic persons from your life—those who want to manipulate, abuse, and control
I hope you take the time to put into practice some
of the above ideas - Terri Cole
Just to add a little
bit more to the mix the following is from Wikipedia, the free
are guidelines, rules
or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable,
safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards him or her and how
they will respond when someone steps past those limits. They are built out of
a mix of conclusions, beliefs
attitudes, past experiences and social
According to some in the counselling
profession, personal boundaries help to define an individual by outlining likes
and dislikes, and setting the distances one allows others to approach. They include
physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries, involving beliefs,
emotions, intuitions and self-esteem
Personal boundaries operate in two directions,
affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people. These are sometimes
referred to as the 'protection' and 'containment' functions.
to Nina Brown's self-help book
, there are four main types of psychological boundary:
person with soft boundaries merges with other people's boundaries. Someone with
a soft boundary is easily a victim of psychological
person with spongy boundaries is like a combination of having soft and rigid
boundaries. They permit less emotional contagion
than soft boundaries but
more than those with rigid. People with spongy boundaries are unsure of what to
let in and what to keep out.
person with rigid boundaries is closed or walled off so nobody can get close to
him/her either physically or emotionally. This is often the case if someone has
been the victim of physical abuse
, emotional abuse
, psychological abuse
, or sexual abuse. Rigid
boundaries can be selective
which depend on time, place or
circumstances and are usually based on a bad previous experience in a similar
Similar to selective rigid boundaries but the person has more control. The
person decides what to let in and what to keep out, is resistant to emotional contagion
, and is
difficult to exploit.
Narcissism and do you know of anyone who falls into this spectrum?
do not recognize that they have
boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves.
Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those
who provide narcissistic supply
to the narcissist will be
treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to
those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist there is no boundary between
self and other.
What about Loss of Boundaries - Loss of conscious boundaries can
occur when an individual is caught up in a unified, fast-moving crowd.
the loss of personal boundaries in a communal experience, noting that such
occurrences could be triggered by intense shared ordeals like hunger, fear or
pain, and that such methods were traditionally used to create liminal
conditions in initiation rites
has also been said to involve a dissolution
of personal boundaries, and a merger into a binding sense of communality.
Rebuilding Boundaries -
While a healthy relationship
depends on the emotional space provided by personal boundaries, co-dependent
personalities have difficulties in setting
such limits, so that defining and protecting boundaries efficiently may be for
them a vital part of regaining mental health.
can help family members to
develop clearer boundaries, by behaving in a well-defined way when treating
them, drawing lines, and treating different generations in different
compartments – something especially pertinent in families where
overrides normal personal
the establishment of personal boundaries in such instances may produce a
negative fall-out. If the pathological state of interdependence had been
a central facet of the relationship. This is especially true if the
establishment of healthy boundaries results in limit setting which did not occur
previously. It is important to distinguish between limits and boundaries in
considering these situations.
you have come to the end of my article. I am trusting this information may
empower you just a little more and how you choose to go forward is up to
you. Will you break free of the
“shackles” that bind you? Will you continue on as you have knowing this
information? Or will you be the change in your own life?
are generally in the habit of saying Yes, especially if you are a “people pleaser”,
to most things when they really want to say No. Practice saying No a couple of
times to start.
This is a
lifestyle change, so don’t expect to change the way you do things straight away
– take baby steps. Think about the change/s you want and you may even write a
scenario of something you want to change – like a script.
– a more complex word than I knew because we all experience boundaries and the
depth and breadth of “boundaries” is actually huge. We may decide to “choose”
which boundaries we want to deal with and let others go. It is a bit like
“picking your battles”. So all in all,
take care, be kind to yourself and when you can, in as much a positive way for
yourself and others – consider ‘Boundaries”.
Namaste Gaye Piper and her team THEY
13 July 2015
Time to check in on your thought forms. How are they going?
At times it is easy to let the challenging thought forms stay with you because you understand them, you can allow yourself to be in them and they quite often become your friend because they are familiar.
You know on another level that they are also hampering your happiness, your progress, your life and you really want to change but it feels too difficult and you don’t have the energy or time to do it.
At times, you may feel it is too hard to think of anything else because of what is going on in your life and you do need to allow the challenging thoughts, feelings and emotions to be just that but keeping them with you only starts to impede your life and eventually your health.
Is it worth giving the other person that power? Because mostly the other person has moved on and rarely gives it any thought or takes no responsibility or accountability– only you do.
I THINK NOT – TAKE BACK YOUR POWER
You may need extra support and guidance at this time. No one says bringing more calming and positive thought forms back into your life is easy but remember you are the only one that cares on a much more deep level for you and you are important.
Bringing back more positive thoughts into your mind, body and Soul can lead to a sense of freedom and a healthier you. Letting go of the challenging energy brings lightness into your mind, body and Soul and after time, it becomes your life and a much easier one – you may have to allow the endings of that person or persons and this can sometimes mean family (not an easy thing to do).
Investing in yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and the Universe is very good at giving us the circumstances to see just how we are going with keeping a more positive approach to life.
We will always have moments where and when we have challenging thoughts but remember to allow them, acknowledge them and move on from them. This may take a few hours, a few days, even a few months but keep moving forward on your journey of bringing more freedom energy into your life.
Know that you do make a difference and you are so worth it and you deserve all the good things that you can bring into your life.
When you start seeing things a little different, gradually your life and energy will also start to resonate more and more and before you know it, you have changed and then the change ripples onto others.
Again, a great gift to oneself.
In light and blessings - Gaye and THEY (25 May 2015)
WHAT IS MEDITATION
I thought an article on WHAT IS MEDITATION may help you decide if meditation is for you (a little long but worth the read).
Meditation activates the sections of the brain in charge of the autonomic nervous system, which governs the functions in our bodies that we can't control, such as digestion and blood pressure. These are also the functions that are often compromised by stress. It makes sense, then, that changing or modifying these functions would help to lessen stress-related conditions such as heart disease, digestive problems and infertility.
sitting quietly, or
a word, or
There are many traditions and countless ways to practice meditation, the way in which I meditate and teach others to meditate is just one way.
I have had many successes with clients experiencing anxiety, reducing stress, depression etc through my meditations.
Meditation has an all encompassing effect on stress.
"Because it puts us in the middle of ourselves, which is not always where we want to be.
We make so many excuses. Be honest with yourself.
One Definition of meditation is:“a particular mood or state of consciousness that your body mind enters at certain times throughout your life. This mood, or feeling state, usually occurs when you are totally and selflessly involved in an activity to the point that there is little or no separation between you and what you are doing. At this moment, you are so absorbed in simply being, that your consciousness becomes tightly focused on the activity at hand, most of your usual mental chatter ceases, physical distraction and stress diminish, and the passage of time seems to be irrelevant.”
Thought: Thoughts that come into the mind during meditation should be observed & allowed to float away.. ah interesting.
Body: Sometimes the body feels wriggly; this is a form of resistance to relaxation, and to the inevitable life changes that becoming calm and centered bring to you. If this occurs, make sure you do some exercise before and after your meditation so that the body realizes that meditation comes with treats at both ends, and your body will also start to look forward to meditation.
Deep Peace: This sometimes takes time to achieve, but eventually does happen.
Experiences. Sometimes when we meditate we have some truly spectacular experiences. We may see really bright lights, angelic beings, great Masters or our own spiritual teachers, etc. We may experience intense bliss, and this is really something to look forward to.
So, Why do we meditate?Some of the reasons we meditation for are:
• Inner Stillness – peace training
And the Benefits of meditation are
Being aware of Breath in meditation brings forward a• Point of focus• It Encourages relaxation• And Lowers heart rate and blood pressure and• Teaches the mind stillness
Again, at times you will feel very fidgety and wriggly and with mind chatter going on and you think to yourself “This is not working”, “I can’t do this”. Realise this is normal. Have patience with yourself and if you can try and stay with it, it will become easier each time you meditate. If you tell yourself you can’t do it – then you won’t but if you tell yourself “I can do this”, then you will.
During meditation, your breath slows down and your mind quietens and with this process you create more oxygen in your body – in your blood and you become more balanced.
If you are on a spiritual path, meditation is one of the quickest ways for spiritual growth.If you are not, meditation can bring a calmness and peace you may not have felt before.
Some examples of how I use meditation are:
To connect to Self
To help heal illness within myself
To clean dirty energy in my home and put good energy in
To journey to different places
To send good, loving and positive energy to the Earth, to our Planet, to all the living things up it, especially the human race
There are so many ways to use meditation and I like to explore all I can through this modality.
Meditating once a week is very helpful. Meditating 2-3 times a week can bring great changes of peace, calmness and less stress in your life. If you can allow meditation to be a daily part of your life, you have given yourself the greatest gift.
I trust you have enjoyed the information on what meditation is all about and I welcome you to my meditation and discussion group – a world of “self”.
What I have learnt is, that we can do as much as we
can with our thoughts, emotions and feelings but unless they match the energy
of the core belief, it is an arduous task and we only get droplets of the whole and at times thinking, I am being positive in what I want to create but it does not seem to be happening and thus many feel that it is not working. We need to keep the faith that it will eventuate, that it will happen and try not to put an outcome date to it all.